Listening With More Than Your Ears: Practicing Empathetic (Active) Listening as a Couple

5 Tips for Empathetic (Active) Listening

Have you ever had a conversation with your spouse and it feels like everything you say to them is just going in one ear and out the other? It can be frustrating, right? Being vulnerable and sharing our emotions with someone can be a difficult experience, especially when you don’t feel validated or heard.

We want the people we care about to care about us by listening to us talk about our thoughts and feelings. For relationships to be founded on trust and shared commitment, we need to demonstrate active care and interest in understanding one another.

The idea of wanting your spouse to listen to you with intention and concern combined with reflecting your feelings is often defined as empathic listening. It’s a type of communication skill that’s helpful for the listener to validate people’s feelings and create compassionate responses so that the speaker feels supported.

According to the family expert, Stephen Covey, one of the habits of empathic listening is “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.” (Covey, 1989) Empathic listening is not just about using your ears–it’s about hearing their meaning and feeling behind the words to demonstrate you understand them.

However, much like any skill, it takes time and practice to learn how to effectively utilize it. Whether you are looking for ways to improve your listening skills or wanting to help your spouse understand your needs, here are some helpful habits for learning empathic listening. 

Set aside time and space to talk as a couple with your spouse. 

This demonstrates your spouse is important to you and you care about their feelings. 

• It sounds like you’re really bothered by something. Let’s sit down and talk about it.

  
  

• Would you like to talk about this?

  
  

• What would be most helpful for you right now?

Listen with care and without judgment.

Our surroundings and upbringings have often taught us to listen in order to have a response ready. However, it is better to listen with the intent of understanding your spouse's statements and concerns, listening with care and doing so without judgement.

Practice empathetic listening by listening first and responding later so that you are fully hearing their concerns. This can be demonstrated by avoiding interrupting your spouse, allowing yourself to be open to their perspective, and using nonverbal communication to show your understanding (i.e., nodding your head).  

Respond with a supportive tone and reflect their feelings/statements.

Before generating a response to your spouse, take a moment to display your understanding by reflecting back the emotions they are expressing and using their words to show you are listening. It can also be helpful to check with your spouse if what you heard is correct by asking open-ended questions.

• You're sad that we didn’t spend enough time together last week. 

  
  

• That sounds very frustrating. 

  
  

• Let me make sure I understand what you’re saying…

  
  

• When you said you were bothered by me not talking to you, what did you mean?

Refrain from giving advice and avoid discounting your spouse’s feelings.

While advice can often be helpful and given with the best intentions, it can sometimes cause the speaker to feel like their feelings are being ignored.

You may have heard your spouse respond saying, “I don’t want you to solve the problem; I just want you to listen!” Even if you may feel differently about the situation, the focus of the conversation is trying to understand your spouse and doing so with care.

Immerse yourself into your spouse’s perspective and experience by using empathetic listening.

What distinguishes empathic listening from other forms of listening is the intent to understand what it’s like to be in another person’s shoes, and applying this principle to your relationship is essential for building connection. Consider using the following statements to help demonstrate this:

• Help me understand what’s going on.

  
  

• How is this affecting you? 

  
  

• I can understand how that would be hard for you.

Next steps: Thinking about couples therapy?

The renowned American psychologist Carl Rogers once described the empathic listener as “a confident companion to the person in his or her inner world.” (Rogers, 1980) You and your spouse are on a journey together as companions, and in order to effectively navigate the obstacles the outer world throws at you, you need to understand your companion’s inner world as well as your own.

If you are wanting to improve your listening skills or help your spouse understand you better, try practicing these tips to help improve your active listening skills and see how it changes your communication and, most importantly, your relationship. You can also visit www.inlandinsight.com to learn more about our providers and services.